I’m scared so I hug you
I’m scared so I kiss you
I’m scared so I cuddle you close and smell the essence of you
I let your sloppy wet kisses linger on my cheek
I come find you in the middle of the night just so I can be close to you
And when you come and use me as your body pillow
No matter how uncomfortable
I relish in the fact that you’re so close
I can’t get enough of you
Even when you’re irking my last nerve
Because I’m scared
I’m scared that I’ll blink and you won’t be there
I’m scared that you’ll blink and I’ll be gone
Because all it takes is a second
Here today, gone tomorrow
I used to tell myself my fear was an irrational one
That, as always, I was being over emotional me
But then I scroll through my newsfeed
And moms and dads are burying their children
Wives are burying their husbands
There’s no rest for the weary
I moved out the hood so none of us would catch that stray bullet
Or be murdered in cold blood in our own home
I try to cook us healthy meals in hopes we’ll never have to sit through dialysis or insulin injections or that “milk bag” that’s synonymous with my family history
I go to the doctor regularly in hopes that I’ll never get that “We caught it too late” diagnosis
I try to push the images of the regretted abortion in a black garbage bag nightmare out of my mind
Because even though it was just a dream, that loss felt too real
And even though we’re healthy, we’re always a doctor’s visit away from “There’s nothing we can do. These things just happen.”
And now, even the good neighborhoods ain’t good no more
So I’m scared
And now, it seems innocent people are dying at the hands of power tripping, trigger happy individuals
Saying they’re “scared”
Scared of how a person looks or their mannerisms or their tone of voice
And suddenly that stray bullet I’ve been dodging for 29 years is no longer coming from the thug in my hood
It’s coming from my “friendly” police officer
The one who I used to fear would give me a speeding ticket
I now fear will try to play God on Judgment Day
And it hurts my soul
And scares me
So when it’s 4:30 am and I have one of you on my left, one on my right and one sprawled all across me
I rub each of you a little softer
Kiss each of you a little gentler
And enjoy feeling your living, breathing presence
Because I know today isn’t promised today
And I’m scared