I started this blog as a way to keep our family and friends connected to Tempess as she grows. I also thought it would be a great avenue to share my experiences as a new parent. I thought it would be filled with lots of “Oh, Tempess just took her first step.” Or “Isn’t she adorable eating her first cracker?” I thought I’d talk a lot about my lack of sleep or the high price of diapers.
I didn’t think my experiences would be so deep and hard to share. I didn’t think so many outside forces and people would weigh so heavily on my parenting experience. I’m not talking about the “My mom gave her sugar” or “Todd’s mom spanked her against our wishes” kinda outside forces. I’m talking things I never imagined I’d have to deal with, this ish only happens in books kinda stuff. I guess to be fair some of it, I should’ve seen coming. But, I guess I wanted to give life and people the benefit of the doubt. I wanted so badly to believe parenting wasn’t going to be a bad experience that I chose to look the other way. Pretend I wouldn’t have to deal with certain things.
But you can only pretend for so long. And I’ve exceeded my limits, making it hard for me to smile and pretend everything’s okay. And since I’ve exceeded my limits of pretending, I’m also challenged with how much I share with people and how. People I know read this blog, so if I go into too much detail, certain parties may feel I talked too much about them or their situation. I run the risk of oversharing parts of Todd’s and my relationship that we don’t want to share with the outside. On the other hand, if I share too little, or I’m too vague, then I run the risk of confusing people. So I shut down and I don’t share anything. Sharing nothing is easier than sharing too much or too little.
I also have to admit that another reason I don’t blog is because I don’t want to be seen as a bad mommy, girlfriend, sister, daughter, person. Yes, I make mistakes, but I have nothing but the best intentions and I only want to do what’s best for my family. Unfortunately, that can’t be done without upsetting people, even those closest to me. I know everyone isn’t going to agree with my parenting choices. But sometimes that’s hard to accept. It’s one thing for my formula-giving, sugar-loving family to give me a hard time for nursing and limiting Temi’s sugar intake. It’s another when I have to choose between being perceived as a bad daughter or a bad mother. Or when Todd and I disagree on how to parent in a certain situation and I feel like standing my ground makes me a b!tch, but giving in makes me a horrible mother. These are the parenting experiences that are beyond hard. These are the experiences I need to share to get support and advice.
But these are also the experiences that I probably won’t blog about* because they have the ability to hurt those I care about and color how the outside world perceives them and me. And that’s why blogging is so hard. Because balancing that line of over and undersharing is very, very delicate.
*I say probably because I may decide one day to share some things. Or I may find a way to blog about it that I feel is appropriate for all parties involved.